Held Hostage
- Axiom1418
- Jul 9, 2021
- 4 min read
Society holds a woman’s sexuality hostage.
Why?
For power!
Two main reasons for why women have difficulty embracing their sexuality:
1) Notions of the ‘ideal woman’
2) Shame of being sexual
We discussed the first reason in the last post. Now, let’s discuss the second.
Power & Control
“A woman who feels confident in her sexuality is very powerful and that’s very threatening to people.” In a “patriarchal society making sure that women feel slightly insecure about themselves is how you keep power over people, right! You never want them to feel strong inside. Because as long as you can keep them feeling like they are never good enough, then it’s easy to control them. But when a woman feels powerful sexually, that permeates her entire life and that can be very intimidating.” Elisabeth Magalhaes, the Director of the Canadian Pole Fitness Association.
‘Policing’ is a common word used by pole dancers. From childhood we are taught that showing our sexuality is wrong. We are taught that sex is bad, shameful and dirty. This is imprinted on us. As Soleil Jane, a pole student and instructor says, as adults we are afraid of our own sexuality and don’t trust this side of ourselves. Women who show their sexuality are seen as less respectable, called names like ‘slut’. This is because society hates it when women use sex to their advantage, rather than being controlled and endangered by it. We basically have our own sexuality held against us and held hostage.
Many female pole dancers in my pole world believe that society has a problem with women capitalizing off of their sexuality, because society has a problem with women being an entrepreneur in any regard. I’ve learned from following Instagram accounts and hearing the stories of women in my pole community, that this can relate both to a sex worker and a pole dance studio owner.
Soleil shared a theory that I hadn’t thought of. In a capitalist society, you’re expected to go through certain bench marks. Starting in post secondary school and working your way up the system. It is seen as the ‘righteous way’. They believe entrepreneurs, such as sex workers, are ‘cheating’ the system and taking the ‘easy’ way.
Demeaning vs Empowerment
I have always identified as a feminist. As a feminist, I used to see sex work as demeaning and sexist. I used to think sex workers were controlled by someone else and didn’t work within their own power. Now, I know that while a sex worker can be controlled by another person, in a lot of cases they are not. Isn’t that similar to any job?
Now, I see the power a sex worker has. Seduction is an art form. That pole dancer, whether she is a sex worker or not, has an immense amount of power when she’s on that stage. Confidence exudes through her pores. Nothing is more powerful than a woman who is confident in her sexuality, because of everything that goes against it.
Soleil says that thinking of sex work as debasing and demoralizing is arbitrary. She notes the parallel to serving. In University she was a server, it was physically gruelling and physically unrelenting. When serving, the body is disrespected, and servers are made to lead with their bodies for tips.
I used to think that a woman who stripped in clubs was objectifying herself. I felt bad for her and also angered by her vocation. I felt stripping said that all a woman has to offer is her sexuality. I am now ashamed for thinking this way. Putting your sexuality on display does not say that. Do you look at a server and think their only value is to bring you food?
If I look at a sex worker and choose to not see her depth then that is on me!! I am the one showing a lack of depth. It is not a woman’s responsibility to manage the perceptions of others.
Soleil and I agreed that when you pick apart the idea of sex work being immoral, with an honest and open mind, you realize it really isn’t. If a sex worker has full control of her career and is not being taken advantage of… if no one is being harmed… if all people are consenting adults – how is it bad? Sexuality is our own property. It is of value. Why not commodify it like we do other things? Why does society make sex such a dirty, shameful thing? Who made this rule?
If you believe that sex should be saved for marriage, then awesome! You be you! But rather than shaming others, please respect their opinions and rights.
Interviewing my fellow female pole dancers, both sex workers and non-sex workers, for this blog has assisted in my continued growth and evolvement. I thank these ladies for expanding my mind and opening my eyes to the complexity involved in this topic.
Thank you to Suzy Giannaokpoulos for sending me this awesome video. Suzy shows how you can be sexy, creative and hilarious. The LOL starts at min 4 lololol. Suzy you rock!!! Video Credit: Suzy Giannaokpoulos
Main Photo: Competitive Pole Dancer and Instructor Suzy Giannakopoulos
Photo Credit: Alexa Baker
2nd Photo: Elisabeth Magalhaes, Director of the CPFA, Aerial Arts & Fitness Instructor, Personal Trainer
Photo Credit: Melanie Webster Photography
3rd Photo: Me! Halloween is often the time of year that many women feel confident enough to embrace their sexuality and dress up in a sexy costume.
Photo Credit: Kaylens Photography
4th Photo: Soleil Jane, Pole Dance Student & Instructor. She has three degrees (humanities, psychology, and education), and a PhD on the way (social psychology)
Photo Credit: Soleil Jane
Check out her article: 8 Self-Care Affirmations for Black Women In Pole Dancing
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